J’s Diary Entry
Wednesday, 10 May 1995
My cold weather zeal has taken hold of me again. I’ve started exercising like I mean it. I haven’t had a “b” for a week (not long, I know, but I feel a difference) and I’m working hard at the book. I didn’t play Tetris once on the computer today, nor did I spend hours writing to my sister. My writing here is so poor because I’m trembling slightly from exercising. I feel better, I don’t think I pitied myself at all today. Everything’s going OK, even my savings will be on track as of next week. I’m even watching less TV. I watched only one hour last night, I’m so pleased with myself, I must be unbearable to be around.
Geez I want a punching bag. It’d be great to punch the crap out of something. I think I might get one in a few weeks. I guess I can’t get the normal type – I’ve nothing to hang it from. I’ll figure out something. I wanna be a bruiser man. I wanna be able to strut the streets, fearing no man. I want to extend my bravado beyond these pages. I think that my inferior physicality is/was a major factor in the subordinate role I’ve always played to Josh. There’s no reason I should be like that, I want to get my life together: get my licence, a car, some money in the bank, get fit. I want to feel secure, both in myself and my surroundings – i.e. mental health and freedom from fear. I now know that I really do need a girlfriend. I need a girlfriend to distract me from morbid self-examination that leads only to despair. Part of me doesn’t like the fact that I’m not completely self-reliant, but the facts – the misery of the last twelve months – speak for themselves. It’s time to start looking for a mate, though instinctively I feel like I should get my licence and so on first. It will happen when it happens I guess.
My knee hurts.
Photo by S