I want to extend my bravado beyond these pages.

J’s Diary Entry

Wednesday, 10 May 1995

My cold weather zeal has taken hold of me again.  I’ve started exercising like I mean it.  I haven’t had a “b” for a week (not long, I know, but I feel a difference) and I’m working hard at the book.  I didn’t play Tetris once on the computer today, nor did I spend hours writing to my sister.  My writing here is so poor because I’m trembling slightly from exercising.  I feel better, I don’t think I pitied myself at all today.  Everything’s going OK, even my savings will be on track as of next week.  I’m even watching less TV. I watched only one hour last night, I’m so pleased with myself, I must be unbearable to be around.

Geez I want a punching bag.  It’d be great to punch the crap out of something.  I think I might get one in a few weeks.  I guess I can’t get the normal type – I’ve nothing to hang it from.  I’ll figure out something.  I wanna be a bruiser man.  I wanna be able to strut the streets, fearing no man.  I want to extend my bravado beyond these pages.  I think that my inferior physicality is/was a major factor in the subordinate role I’ve always played to Josh.  There’s no reason I should be like that, I want to get my life together: get my licence, a car, some money in the bank, get fit.  I want to feel secure, both in myself and my surroundings – i.e. mental health and freedom from fear.  I now know that I really do need a girlfriend.  I need a girlfriend to distract me from morbid self-examination that leads only to despair.  Part of me doesn’t like the fact that I’m not completely self-reliant, but the facts – the misery of the last twelve months – speak for themselves.  It’s time to start looking for a mate, though instinctively I feel like I should get my licence and so on first.  It will happen when it happens I guess.

My knee hurts.



Photo by S

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