Sis, I have a few questions about your impending Motherhood.

3 February, 1995.

Tell me something Sis,

Would you be upset or uncomfortable if your progeny turned out to be more intelligent than you? Or would you be pleased that you could squeeze out something of such high quality? What if it was more intelligent only in certain fields, not in others? How about if it completely outshone you in all respects? Would you feel compelled to catch up? Are you gonna be a diary-reading type of Mum, a surveillance expert, or one of those respectful mothers who gives a child its own space? Do you want to be called Mum, Mummy, Mother, Ma or S?

Do you realize that you could be a grandparent one day? That’s a bit freaky isn’t it? You’re a spoke in the Wheel of Life, S. Are you gonna force it into group activities like sport or Scouts/Brownies? What if it gets fat? Could you love a lard-arse kid? Are you gonna beat your child? If you do, I suggest you use a car aerial, it stings like mad and makes a scary whooshing sound.  Actually instead of asking all these questions in this haphazard fashion, just fill in the following and send it back to me so I can keep it and haunt you with it in the future when you’ve changed your mind completely about child rearing.


 The Joan Crawford Good Mothering Quiz

(“Mommy Dearest” was a set-up”.)

I want my child to be…

  1. Less intelligent than myself.
  2. Significantly less intelligent than myself.
  3. Significantly more intelligent than myself.

I want my child to be…

  1. Less attractive than myself.
  2. Significantly less attractive than myself.
  3. Butt ugly.

I would consider it appropriate parental care to…

  1. Eye-gouge my child.
  2. Force my child to wear trendy clothes.
  3. Tattoo my child.

Seven years old is too young to….…

  1. Commit an indictable offence.
  2. Drive.
  3. Perform a hit single (let us learn from the Jackson Five experience).

Seven years old is too old to….…

  1. Continue wearing nappies.
  2. Be cute at family gatherings.
  3. Be rude to Uncle J.

Well, I think that’s enough of that, really. Choose only one answer for each question, and you’ll notice I haven’t included a table for working out where you’ll be on the scale of motherhood, because anyone who answers these stupid quiz things (they’re usually in Woman’s Day or New Idea) has no hope of ever doing anything well.

Anyway, I’d better go.

I’ll write again soon.


© 2015 Dead Mans Diaries (S)

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