DON’T SHOW THIS TO MUM. IT CONTAINS COARSE LANGUAGE, ADULT CONCEPTS AND SOME LOW LEVEL VIOLENCE, IT IS NOT SUITABLE FOR PARENTS. SIBLING DISCRETION IS STRONGLY ADVISED.
14 September 1992
Yet one more dull lunchtime. So tell me something thrilling. About the Royals, they’ll do. Only kidding, I mean didn’t anyone think that poor Fergie had nipples? What’s the big deal man?
I went out last night to the Hellfire Club again, I had a really good time, and I paid for it this morning, but I’m feeling much better now. I wish you could’ve been there last night, it was so good. It was a Black Mass special, and there were all these Satanists there doing all these demonstrations (get it?) and chants and shit, it was really cool. And then later there was the traditional whipping and all that. It’s a really cool place, no-one gives a shit. I’m also proud to announce that you’re reading a letter from Hellfire Club Member Number 52. Yes, I’m a member. Fuckin’ ace or what? That means I get in cheaper and there are drinks specials and stuff like that. Giveaways too. I haven’t won anything yet, but it’s only been open three weeks. Brett was there again with his girlfriend and he boogied the night away, let me tell you. I didn’t go last week, but Brett said that it was really, really good, and they were showing all these sick films on a projector. I was too ill to go you see.
But anyway, I hope you had a nice birthday, loads of presents and all that. Sorry I didn’t send a prezzie, but I’ll bring something over when I come next year. Perhaps a tea towel. Who can tell? I hope you liked my card, I’m thinking of going into business, I reckon I could topple the big boys you know. Take on Hallmark and kick their candy ass from here to Christmas and every other crappy holiday they cash in on mercilessly. Cool. I’d better go now Baby, I’ve got lives to ruin.
Wednesday, 15 September 1992
By the way, yesterday was the 14th, I forgot to date it. God I feel shitty, I’ve got a really sore throat and not even the old Fisherman’s Friends are working on it. I’ve been sick with one thing or another for about 5 fucking months and its really beginning to piss me off.
Now it’s the 21st and, pending any possible international air disasters, you should be in the company of Mum The Intrepid. How is she? She hasn’t rung you know, I’m worried sick! I would have rung but I can’t dial overseas from Leah’s phone because it’s in Belinda’s name and it’s the first time she’s had a phone bill in her name so apparently we can’t dial overseas for the first 6 months or something. Anyway, Mum knows I’m not the worrying type. So what’s it like having Mum at your house? I hope you’re nagging the shit out of her, screaming “Pick up after yourself!” and “I don’t have six pairs of hand, I wish I did but I don’t” and that all time classic “It’s not much to ask!!!” Yeah man, right on! And try, like, bursting into her room saying “I was just cleaning up in here and I found THIS!” and then thrust something incriminating at her like a joint or something. I want you to make the most of this situation Babe.
So tell me, were you surprised when she rolled up? She was pretty excited at the airport, but you know what she’s like, she tries not to show it that much. Leah did get a kiss from her before she went through the doors though. By the way, do you know what the hell I’ve done to offend Pam? She drove Mum out to the airport and man, she was downright fucking rude to me, and she’s been like that for about the last 8 or 9 months, and if I don’t find out why or if it doesn’t change I’m not going to continue to be pleasant to someone who constantly spits venom at me. Even Leah noticed it, before I even brought it up, so it’s not my imagination, at the airport she was just plain catty, Mum probably didn’t even notice though because she was all excited. But I guess it’s not really that important is it?
So what are you doing with Mum? Going to all the hot sex nightclubs so she can do the “Lego Legs Lambada?” She could do with a good English Lad, like those ones we see on the news at the soccer. A Hooligan. That’s what she needs, a Hooligan, with “Fuck Off! Oi!!” tattooed across his forehead, maybe a few nice spider-webs down his neck, who knows? I’m gonna print this baby now and post it, it’s a bit old as it is. Say hi to Momma for me and make sure she has a good time, she needs it.