It’s “self esteem” night at my support group. FFS!

From:    J
Date:    16 September 2002 12:44
To:      S
Subject: a big smooch...It will be a complete disaster

Hey Sis. How are you? What are you doing? Me, I’ve been busy as hell. Paige’s back in town, so I spent Friday lunch with her, then we met up for dinner with Kacey who’s also in town only for a week (she’s been in London for 1 8 months), then we met up again for Saturday night at a pub in Fitzroy. I got absolutely blind. Tried to be nice to everyone cos they’re lives are all rotten – Ash got dumped by his girlfriend and now has to find a new place to live, Monica, well, she’s always depressed, Jade’s broken up with her boyfriend Eli and now her toyboy Henry has lost interest. Umm, I think that’s about it. Anyway, I was happy as a clam and sat on Monica’s knee and gave her a big smooch and bought her an embarrassing drink. At least she’s getting a nice company car next week. She’s a cobbler, she works for Birkenstock and they’re getting her a nice Golf to zip about town in. But there’s something wrong with her ovaries and she can’t stop putting on weight, which is a real shame cos Monica’s really pretty, naturally black hair and pale skin with the blue eyes and big Young Talent Time smile.

Spent Saturday looking for a new bed. I’ve decided to get rid of the queen size monstrosity and get a double bed. I just want more space in my boudoir.

You know, I actually thought about getting a single bed. I always believe quite sincerely at any particular point in time that I’m at least a year away from a shag, and having a single bed would be great for freeing up space in my room. But if on the off chance I DID score, it would be just too sad. You couldn’t bring someone home to a single bed, could you? It’s a shame, cos looking for double beds on the weekend was absolutely terrifying. I saw one for $5000. And there was nothing that fancy about it either. I think it was a designer bed, all the furniture in that particular shop has the name of the designer on the tags, but sweet Jesus, five grand? So now of course I wanna make one. Also, I really can’t find what I’m looking for.

I’ll have to score some of Dick’s tools and make it myself. It wouldn’t be that difficult, it’s not complicated. It will be a complete disaster of course. Oh well.

Got my last week of Pooftas Anonymous this Thursday.  Hope it’s better than last week, god that was shite. Thursday last week I show up in the South Yarra VAC building with a shocking toothache.  I’d had two massive fillings that morning and hadn’t eaten anything all day, and I mean ALL DAY, so I was in pain, lightheaded and feeling crabby.  I get there and discover that this week’s theme is not SEX as I had thought but SELF ESTEEM. “Fucking fabulous,” I thought.  “Just what I need.”  Now, I’ve spent the last four or five weeks sitting in this room, listening to all these old poofs bitch and moan about how much they hate themselves, how big a FAILURE they all are, how ASHAMED of themselves they feel. Then on SELF ESTEEM night, suddenly all I hear is:

“You know, I LIKE me.”

“I’ve got GREAT self-esteem!”

“If you’d asked me three years ago, I would have told you I hated myself, but now I feel GOOD about being me!”

All I could think was “How many self-help books have you fuckers read?” It was plainly obvious that they’d all read The Road Less Travelled seven or 80 times and had stuck up positive messages about themselves on the mirrors at home and had made the CONSCIOUS decision that they had “good self-esteem”. And I, who can normally make this shit up on the spot, was rooted. I was too ragged to fake it and just kept saying “PASS” when I came my turn to speak.

O it was AWFUL S! I hope that this week will be more fun, cos this week it is SEX, so I’m expecting lots of condoms on bananas and video viewings of wrestling go-go boys in wading pools full of KY. The Road Well Beaten be damned!

So Thursday night was a wash out, but Friday was nice. Had dinner with some CPD people to meet up with the aforementioned Kacey. Ah, I do miss Kacey.

She used to work in Marketing in the same job as me. We met up at the Tibetan Wild Yak restaurant in Fitzroy. I had these beef dumplings with a chicken main, washed down with some Cockfighters Ghost (its real name) sauv blanc.  It was good wine, actually. Then we went to a dismal bar called   “A Bar Called Barry” in Collingwood. Jesus, wot a dump. It was chock full of bogans. I sat there up in our booth raised over the dance floor and thought “This may be the heart of Collingwood, but I could well be in the outer rim of Ringwood.” I’m never going there again. Jesse was there, from CPD, the one with the shaved eyebrows. He really is very sweet, I should stop mentioning his eyebrows. Danielle was there as well, she’s just bought a HOUSE for fuck’s sake. She’s the first of my friends to buy a house, and I don’t like it. Next someone will be having babies.

Sunday arvo was walking around Richmond, had a late breakfast.

Well, I’d better stop boring you with stories about people you don’t know and get some work done. I promise I’ll have a more exciting tale next time I write.


5 thoughts on “It’s “self esteem” night at my support group. FFS!

  1. I could hear J speaking as he wrote this….this is his empowered good in his skin..and showing it…thanks S..Namaste’

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I absolutely agree with you – he lived and ended his life his way – being honest with himself, courageous and certain. Doesn’t mean I like it or agree with it, but I accept it was J’s choice to make. S x

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s