From: S Date: 30 August 2002 01:18PM To: S Subject: Re: I thought I would faint...
You’re pulling my chain right? Gay support group? You’ve never struck me as the sort that would join a support group, you always seem so self sufficient even if it was due to self denial.
Nothing new to report, life dull, diazepam great.
From: J Date: 02 September 2002 12:40 To: S Subject: Glamourpusses!...kind of chubby...Lee Marvin on helium
Nope, not pulling chain. I thought it would be funny! I thought it would be a good way to meet some poof’s cos the gay pubs don’t do much for me – they’re too much of a meat market to just meet people for anything other than sex. I just want some fruity friends that I can go out with every now and then. All my friends are straight, you see. Well, there’s one or two homos in there but if they weren’t homos I probably wouldn’t be friends with them. THAT’S the problem you see: you tend to make friends with someone just because they’re a poof as well. And when you think about it, it’s dumb – would YOU be friends with someone because you like the same TV shows? That’s all it is; a preference, not a lifestyle. I think that taking it on as your persona (dress, taste in music, places you go, places you live, the way you move and TALK for Christ sakes) is a KIND of homophobia (God how I hate using that word). It’s accepting that you really ARE different. It’s like a way of isolating yourself before your enemies can, and it’s just daft.
So – I’m not in it for the SUPPORT, I’m in it to just meet some poofs that aren’t scene queens. And sister, let me tell you, this bunch are NOT glamourpusses! God, they’re all so straight-acting and contemptuous of camp poofs, which is a whole new problem in itself. (If you’re camp, then you’re buying into hetero stereotypes of what a poof should be. But if you don’t like camp poofs, then you’ve got internalized homophobia and secretly wish that you were straight. Bah!) Actually, one of them called me on Saturday night – Bruno, the one who I was “buddy-ed up” with. Oh yeah – I should just say that I’ve been to one more session, on Thursday night, and it wasn’t so bad this time. If you’re crafty you can avoid having to tell too much about yourself. No-one notices cos they’re all so busy blabbing on about themselves. I went for a drink afterwards with the two facilitators and one of them is a bit sexy – big guy with stubble, kind of chubby. He’s been going out with a mechanic for the last 10 years though. And a mechanic in Pooftatown is like an investment banker in Straightsville, so I don’t think I’ll get a look in there. Anyway, I’m no home-wrecker.
So anyway, Bruno calls me on Saturday night and asks me if I wanna go out. (He’s got this weird high voice that’s also really husky. Sort of like Lee Marvin on helium.) I say I can’t go out cos I’ve gotta work on Sunday morning. So he says, Do you wanna come over to my place? And I think O fuck! and say Hmm, where do you live, Bruno?
“Oh, that’s a bit too far out. I’ve gotta be up early.”
“Well you wouldn’t be staying the whole night.” Gulp. I have images of his previous lovers being pushed out of his house onto the street, still getting dressed, crying out Will you call me?
“Hmm, naaa-ah. It would take too long,” I say.
“Rubbish, it takes 20 minutes to get here. I’ll drive you home.”
“Hmm, naaa-ah. Look, sorry Bruno, but not tonight.”
“Errr, I’m not sure what I’ve got on, I’ll have to check.”
“Well Saturday is the only night I go out, so it will have to be Saturday.” Awkward silence. I think to myself Oh WILL IT just? but say to him “I’ll check if I’ve got anything on and let you know on Thursday, alright?” “Hmm, yeah. OK. I’ll see you Thursday then.” He sounds miffed. I think to myself for the love of GOD, how clear a signal do you have to send? I mean, if someone said to me “I don’t want to go out with you tonight,” I would not then think oh, what they really want is to come over to my house and spend the entire evening with me alone even tho’ I’ve only met them twice. I mean, I hardly KNOW this guy, and I STILL don’t like him – pushy pushy pushy. And anyway, there’s someone else in the group (I like to call it Pooftas Anonymous) that I fancy, an English bloke with bad dress sense.
Anyway, it’s a bit early for all this. I feel like absolute shite this morning. We had the biannual ADA conference on the weekend. I worked like a SKIVVY all day Friday and three hours on Sunday morning, then last night I filled up on junk food and today I just feel like crap. Tired, over-full, sore. I need a holiday S, but there’s no way I can have one until Christmas. Tell you what tho’, I’m gonna take three weeks off for Xmas and go somewhere sunny that I can swim all day. Get some sun and read books. Maybe Thailand. I could get my scuba diving licence there too. What are you doing for Xmas?
Hey do you know of any good Palm Pilot thingos? Here’s what I want it to have:
- a personal organizer
- something that can run MS applications like Excel
- heaps of memory for M P3s
- be able to be used as a mobile
- internet access would be nice as well
I’m thinking that maybe I should wait six months or so cos I’ve seen these things in separate devices, it’s only a matter of time until they’re consolidated, right? Also, I think I should wait until they get the folding screen technology right. That way it would be smaller than the average Palm Pilot, cos who wants a mobile the size of a brick? It’s worse than not having one at all.
Save some Diazepam for me! (And watch out sis, it’s addictive as hell.)
One thought on “What sort of gay man am I?”
Fascinating insights. Have been so tied up since my Mother’s death. I will have to go and read all the ones I have missed.
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