31 August 1995
To you my Dear Dear Brother,
Well where to start, maybe with the standard apology for not writing sooner or more often but I am afraid that the re-telling of the drudgery of my married life in the suburbs may not prove entertaining to you and besides I would rather you had some image in your head of me living in the distant romantic Mother country, a life rich in culture and quality but alas it is not and now you’re are about to find out exactly this. I will expect your next letter to be begging me to never write again – EVER!!
Did you get my presents? I’m afraid that you did and have not mentioned them as you didn’t like them, because I know you are like me in that you cannot lie saying you love something when you don’t, trying desperately to remember where you have hidden it so that you can put it out on the mantelpiece just in time for my visit non-convincingly exclaiming “OH I SIMPLY ADORE IT, I USE IT ALL THE TIME!!!” I wanted to get you something else but Mum said that you wouldn’t like them (not telling you what they were ’cause they are probably on your list of must haves in this lifetime).
Well taking my sweet time to answer your letters – (having a new born and being back in hospital for another two stays being sliced and diced I won’t go into those horrific details, are valid reasons) means that a number of your dilemmas have resolved themselves, the Chloe “thing” for a start. J some things aren’t worth analyzing, like sex, it’s an animal thing, although thinking about it animals do it to reproduce only we humans do it for enjoyment, is that right? Because I’m sure I heard the other day that monkeys and geese are the only animals other than humans to have homosexual relationships (now I’m trying to picture a goose penis). J if you want someone you want them, if you don’t you don’t, if you have to think about it, then you don’t. Emma Thompson says that the youth of today should screw everything with a pulse before settling down. Just gotta be smart and don’t forget to wear a raincoat my dear little brother. I absolutely couldn’t bear the drama of Dad coping with a son dying of AIDS.
So did you get out of the Pomona thing? Poor silly Dad. You know I think that he is sorry (in his own pathetic way) for all that he did although I don’t think he remembers all he did or knows even part of the damage he did. He really has spoken his lies so often and for so long they have actually become his truth. I know this is terribly cliche but from the moment I laid eyes on Brady I was so totally in love with her and it is such an uncompromising all encompassing love, now I figure that if Dad loves us a fraction of what I love her then he didn’t mean to hurt us and regardless of the fucking mess he made for Mum. Surely he must love us. He must know that he has lost out big time and that he can never make it up but I have to believe that he does love us, surely he must?
How’s Ms X????????????? Oh It’s not funny but when you write about it I just have to giggle. I have had a similar thing happen, there’s an older guy at work (suffering that thing whereby he hasn’t realized he is as old as he is yet). He feels the need to touch me every time we have to talk. I can fold my arms, I can sit outside his reach and he manages every single time to touch me. The worst thing is that I don’t say anything so my anger at being touched is magnified now by my hate and frustration directed at myself for my lack of assertion. I wish I knew how to put a stop to it, the only thing working so far is complete avoidance. If I have to speak to him, I ring him. Not sure if it is a cop out though because even though he can’t touch me, I’m still angry at myself because of my lack of assertion in dealing with the situation.
You said that you bought the Oasis single “Whatever” it has been out for about 10 months here, their album is terrific as is the Blur one, both bands have just released their new singles simultaneously so there is a battle going on at the moment Blur are No 1, although I prefer the Oasis one.
Well the new series of X files has started , I just love the X Files. We have another series The Outer Limits which is quite good, each episode is an hour long sci-fi supernatural story, not as good as X but OK. I watch X and then Kyle (at work) and I discuss it via email, dissect it to bits pretending we were there and what we would have done, I guess you could call it a role playing, electronic, sexless, sci-fi, extra-marital affair. It’s funny Kyle and I discuss everything on e-mail and then when we are face to face barely say two words to each other, odd huh?
It was great to see Mum, thank God she was here for my first rushed trip back to hospital to take care of Brady as Jack has been doing 13 hour days. You have no idea how gooey she went over Brady, it was not the woman I knew called Mother. “Nana-speak” took over and it was all “My bootifull, bootifull wittel gurrrly wurrrly” no lie, it was amazing J. Quiet sweet really. It makes me sad that you haven’t seen Brady and that she will be 6 months old when you do. She really is sweet and funny too. I’m the first to say a baby is a baby, I still don’t really like them but this one is different, yeah, yeah it is maternal bias, a chemical thing I guess to stop us eating them. I just know you’re going to love her to bits.
Now that my scars are healing and I can do most things for myself again life is falling into some sort of routine (it really has been a crazy messed up few months). I now have more time on my hands and plan to finish all these books I’ve started – I like to read five books at once, seems I can’t just start and finish a book, my literary moods vary by the hour so I need a variety on the go to dip into. So Mr Oh So Well Read in your next letter please list for me ten books that one must read this lifetime? OK? Promise?
Well I’m back to work soon, our friend Tracey, do you remember meeting her, she’s married to Jack’s school friend Dom, is going to look after Brady, at their house. Tracey’s a happy, stay at home earth mother type so it should work out well.
Are you really so sick of your work? Break it down J, is it the place, is it the people is the work you do or is it the money you are not getting paid? Break out – take a risk little brother – get yourself to night school or Uni, get your licence. Just change one thing little brother, just do one of the things you write to me about, just make a start. I know you and I have an inherent abject fear of failure, but we’ve got to try J. I know I need to make some changes myself, take some risks of my own, so I’m not really one to offer advice. But I’m here little brother, for you always.
I love you, I love your letters.
PS I also love Darrel Lea liquorice – do you think you could send me some or stock pile it for my trip over in December? Thanks J
PSS our house move is set for 15/9/95 so as of then our new address will be XXXXXXXXXXX