I feel bad for being so horrible, but I guess I’m just horrible.


The XXXXXXXX represents the parts of his diary that my brother has cut out.

J’s Diary Entries

Friday, 17 March, 1995

Went over the road with Jeremy, Nadia and Quinn to “Klicks” for one dispirited drink before everyone made their way home.  It simply isn’t the same without Cav there.  It’s a bit embarrassing really that we rely on him so heavily to enjoy ourselves.

Walked into work from Richmond, which was nice.  I was even half an hour early.  When I told Cav that I stayed at Leah’s last night, he and Quinn exchanged grinning looks, and then asked me if I XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX with Leah.  I told him I did nothing of the sort and then Cav XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX he’d be punishing himself in all sorts of ways.  Which is a bit too close to the truth for my liking.  I’ve been keeping my distance from Cav & Co for the last fortnight, perhaps it’s a good idea.  There’s no point in blurting out all my personal life to the people I work with.

I bought a CD by “Air Liquide” called Nephrology it’s sort of half-way between techno and ambient.  I like it, but I want some stopin’ techno next.  I bought it at Gaslight Records with Mick (from dispatch) who wanted to buy a “Pearl Jam” single and didn’t know the title of it and so asked the people at Gaslight to help him, which I found really embarrassing.  I’m so easily embarrassed.


Saturday, 18 March, 1995

Caught two trams to Brett’s new flat in Elwood today.  It’s a nice flat, on the 2nd storey, just off the beach front.  It’s quite small, but tidy and nicely decorated.  It’s not cluttered like his previous places.  We mooched around the flat for a while, he played me his bands demo. A demo tape WOW! It sounded OK.  Then we walked down the beach for an hour or so, discussing spirituality and so on.  I told Brett about my theory of pointlessness and its accompanying hedonism XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  and he said it was just an excuse for laziness. Imprudent turd.

So he fed me some of his organic food and showed me his air-purifier until Lara got home from work and we went and ate at “Rasa’s” in St Kilda.  I had a tofu burger all wrapped up like a falafel.  It was pretty good and Lara paid, which made it a sweeter meal even still!  The hippy cooks were fun to watch, they kept going off for bong breaks, you could smell it on them.  Lara said the guy she works for at the tattoo parlor only ever tattoos when he’s stoned, he can’t focus otherwise.  All the sounds and annoying customers get too much for him.  I can’t make up my mind if that’s a good or a bad thing.


Sunday, 19 March, 1995

Oh God!  Leah just dropped over out of the blue and scared me to death!  I thought she must have seen me.  I told her to never drop in like that again.  The good part is that even though the blind was up and TV on really loud, Leah didn’t know I was here.  Next time I just wont answer the door.

Happy, happy, joy, joy!  My last remaining baby has started flowering.  It must have started days ago and I didn’t even notice!  I put an extra light on it and fixed it so it stands up straight.  I’m so thrilled!  It won’t give much, but it can be brought to flower again. And again. And again!

I’m actually a bit eager to get to work tomorrow.  I can feel it – I’ve made the switch to Work Mode, and now it’s time to fill the gaping holes in my social calendar with work, work and work.  One thing I’m not looking forward to at work is seeing Mick.  He’s a bit young, OK I’ll say it, immature, but he means well.  He always waits to do his banking with me, and now it’s kinda getting on my nerves.  I feel bad for being so horrible, but I guess I’m just horrible.  He’s eager to learn – always looking up words in the dictionary – but obstinate at the same time.  Example – he wants to expand his vocabulary, but wont read anything but Sci-Fi/adventure books.  It’s a bit like the Evan Newsome thing all over again.  Evan Newsome was this boring dork at school who I sat next to in some class.  He latched onto me and wouldn’t let go, so I had to get my friends to be really horrible to him to get rid of him.  It was just so damn mean of me but I just couldn’t stand him.  Mick is different to Evan but similar in that they’re both very nice, but also very boring.  Part of it is me being snobbish and conceited, thinking I can take Mick and broaden his mind and mould him into something that pleases me.  It’s conceited to think I can do that, and snobbish to think that what I want him to become is better than what he already is.  All this penitent analysis and self-flagellation is very fine and noble, but it doesn’t solve the problem of how I am to distance myself from Mick without breaking my veneer of sociability and allowing my deep cuntiness to show blackly through.






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