“We always become what we loathe most.” Who said that?

Wednesday, 16 March 1994

Dear S,

The Big Day looms over the horizon; tomorrow I must tell Leah.  Heavy.  I am not looking forward to this, it’s not only the end of the relationship, but most likely the end of the friendship as well, which I am really going to miss.  There are going to be a lot of changes I will have to become accustomed to.  Like possibly living at Mum’s for a few weeks.  Sigh.

Actually, I’m glad I’ll be moving out of this house, I had a creepy experience last night.  I woke up at around four in the morning and heard these noises near my door and near one of the windows, and I just had this awful feeling.  I got quite panicky and started imagining ghosties and so forth until I fell back asleep.  Now comes the really creepy part.  This morning as Brett and I were making our lunches for the day (Brett is helping out in despatch at work with me because of a rush on a certain title, it’s good to have someone to walk to work with and we’ve been getting along really well).  Anyway, he told me that he and his girlfriend Lara both woke at 4AM and that Lara felt “a presence”, which sounds wanky, but it’s appropriate.  Brett said the same.  Now this could be dismissed, but Brett brought it up first, so he wasn’t ridiculing me or anything, and we all ate different food (someone at work suggested we might have all eaten something a bit funny.)  I don’t know, it could be nothing, but Tim and I have heard funny noises before when there was no-one else at home as well.  Like when we both heard someone fall down the stairs, and the only people home were him, Leah and I, and we were all in the bedroom.  The same night a pile of books in the lounge room downstairs were all messed up, and it wasn’t us – Penny was away at a festival and Brett hadn’t moved in yet.  I mean it’s not a big deal, it hasn’t bothered me until last night.  I won’t be in the house much longer, and it’s not like “Poltergeist” or anything, it’s just unsettling.  It’s like living in an episode of Scooby Doo.

A few hours later…

I just spoke to Mum on the phone, and she said that the house won’t be available until the start of April, which means I’d have to leave my furniture at High Street for about three weeks.  Just when it seems to be getting simple, it turns on its head and throws up more dilemmas for me.  Now I’m contemplating staying for another month and then leaving.  The advantages to this plan are that the real estate agent will only be missing out on one month’s rent if they keep the bond, and I can go straight from High Street to the Flemington house.  This situation with the Richmond house is getting severe.  Mum’s solicitor said that I could be personally and solely held responsible for the entire rent on the place.  And this is likely because; I’ll be the one telling the Real Estate agent that we’re ending the lease early; my name and business number are on  the lease and I earn the most out of the household.  The monthly rent is over $850, and I can’t afford to pay that and the rent on the other place as well as pay Leah for some of the things that we’ve gone halves in.  Sorry, this cant be of much interest to you, nor is it probably making much sense.

It’s all becoming less and less honourable.  God, I’m not becoming as dishonest as Dad, aren’t I?  I’ve just had a flashback of The Empire Strikes Back where Luke and Darth are fighting it out, and Darth is luring Luke to the Dark Side.  It’s all a bit too symbolic for me.  “we always become what we loathe most.”  Who said that?  I want to go and tear out their heart and show it to them while it still beats.

I’d better go, there’s stuff waiting for me.

Love J

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