Why Can’t I Be You J

Friday, 14 August 1992

Dear J

I hope all is well in your neck of the woods at the moment.  I know that you must be busy with your job and Mum says that you spend most of the week with Leah, it sounds as if things are going well with her, Mum says she is really nice.

I am trying to think if there is something I have done wrong.  I know that we had that disagreement about Mums birthday.  I am really sorry about that.  I wasn’t sure if you remembered the flowers or not and I knew that she wouldn’t get her card from me on her actual birthday because of Easter so it was important that she got something on the day.

When I came home in December it was a big shock for me how bad things were between Mum and him. I cannot remember when things were ever great between them and then sometimes at the really bad times I even wished they would split up.  But when I saw how bad they were and then when they did split up it really hurt me.  I don’t know if it was easier for you living in the middle of it all knowing how bad it really was and now seeing that they are doing ok apart.  It is really silly but you wouldn’t believe how much I cry I feel so far away and really lonely.  I would love to tell you the lies I tell most people, like  I’ve made lots of friends and all but the truth is I haven’t, the English are not that easy to make friends with.  I don’t like it one little bit and as far as our living arrangements go, well that is a nightmare in itself.

Jane (Jacks sister) and I don’t talk at all, I will not go downstairs when she is in, sounds childish I know but there are reasons why.  We cannot sell the house because the shortfall between what they paid and what it is worth at the moment is about £12,000.  We need to do some basic decorating before we can sell it, a lick of paint here and there but Jane has said that she cannot afford to give one penny towards decorating but says that she doesn’t want us to pay for it and do it like we did the spare room and the bathroom because then it doesn’t feel like her house.  So I come in from work and sit in our rooms until morning and then head off to work.  A nice tight little circle, round and round I go.

I so desperately want to get up and leave, keep travelling, finish what I started but I feel stuck.

I tried to explain all of this to Mum and she put her cold voice on.  It is really strange, whenever I have a split with someone she gets really cold with me.  I know that Jack is good for me, we have fun together, understand each other but I can’t breathe anymore and so we fight because I resent his situation and the fact that he can’t do anything about it.

We had to make the hardest decision as a couple this year and we seemed to get through it and now we hit this little hurdle and I can’t even lift my leg to try and get over it.

I talk with no one and it all goes around and around in my head and then it feels really heavy.

I am sorry to go on.  I wish I was you.  I really miss you and really wish that you would start writing to me again.

My family drifted apart while I was so far away and there is nothing I can do.  My father is with the woman who used me and told me my mother was evil since I was four years old. It makes me feel like he is saying that it didn’t matter that she did all that, that I don’t matter and she is more important.

I don’t ever want to lose contact J it means more to me that you will ever know.  Your letters don’t have to be full of wit, intelligence, they don’t have to be long just as long as you write to let me know that you’re ok and that you think of me.

I am trying really hard to change but sometimes I can’t live with my life.

I love you very much.  Please write.

S xx

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