17 Feb 1994
Dear J
Well three letters of confusion from you in one week is more than I can stand. So for the first time in 2 and a half years, I think, I am writing back to you and I’m sorry for that. There’s so much going on here and I would rather you all just thought I was living some kind of fabulous life in London.
First of all I want you to know I love your letters. I’ve saved them all, one day I’ll publish all our letters back and forth in dated order so people can see how ordinary folks once loved, lived and all that (I bet the colour has just drained from your face as you’re frantically trying to remember what you’ve written over the years).
I’m writing this with the TV on in the background and they have a teacher on who has banned her school from seeing the Royal Ballet Romeo & Juliet because it is promoting heterosexuality and the gay community are not promoted in it. What a nutter. Gay people discriminating based on sexuality maybe that’s progression?
What you’re feeling at the moment is just how I felt when I was with Tommy (Fuck Face as Mum calls him) You can’t really remember what you did with yourself before you went out with them and you don’t really like the idea of change or of being alone or especially of the furore, nastiness and sawing of possessions in half that goes with it, but you’ll never know what else or who else is out there if you don’t venture out. If you think about it and you are able to live this life with Leah then get on with it, put some effort into the relationship, go forward with it. If not then get out now because you’ll only be wasting yourself and Leah’s emotions, energy and time. Does she maybe feel the same but also doesn’t want to initiate the split. It’s awful really, just because you don’t want to be with someone doesn’t mean that you don’t like them or still even love them or that you never want to see them again and it’s so hard to explain to them.
You are so goddamn terrific, I don’t think you realise it. I think you’re handsome and warm with a wicked sense of humour. You have a depth I could only wish for and you are brilliant at transferring your true thoughts and feelings to paper (something I and many other people wish they could do).
Get out there J, push yourself, discover and promote your capabilities. I think you should write a book/short stories. I’ll give you the titles and you write the story (a literary Mr Squiggle if you like) here’s your first one;
“Dad, I Don’t Want to go Fishing”
I’ll have to think of a pen name for you.
Take care of yourself J. I love you more than anyone, there is nothing I wouldn’t do for you, all you have to do is ask (or drop a hint).
And hey you’re not Samson, your strength is not your hair. If you look different (short blonde hair, god just imagine) then you might think/act or be treated differently and hey Leah mightn’t want to know you – problem solved.
Love S
PS I love the magazines, Cleo my favourite of course, thank you very much. You’re deo is on its way.
Link to 1994 News Article: Teacher in ‘Romeo and Juliet’ row apologises: Education authority to investigate ideological ban on pupils watching ballet version of ‘a blatantly heterosexual love story’
MR SQUIGGLE
deadmansdiaries.com 